Stop Saying “Why” and “Should” at Work: The Communication Shift That Builds Trust

Marlo Lyons
May 12
3 min read

Updated: May 15

If you want to immediately improve how people respond to you at work, remove two words from your leadership vocabulary:

Why.

Should.

These two words show up constantly in workplace communication, especially from managers, executives, and high performers trying to move work forward.

But here’s the problem:

Even when you mean well, “why” and “should” often trigger defensiveness, shame, and disengagement in the people you're talking to.

And once someone becomes defensive, productive communication stops.

Instead of collaborating, people start justifying themselves.

If you want to build trust, psychological safety, and stronger leadership presence, a simple language shift can change everything.

Why “Why” Creates Defensiveness at Work

At first glance, the word “why” seems harmless. After all, it’s usually meant to signal curiosity.

But in workplace conversations, it often lands differently.

Consider these common questions:

“Why did you do it that way?”
“Why wasn’t this finished?”
“Why would you send that email?”

Even if your intention is curiosity, most people’s brains hear something else:

Defend yourself.

That’s because “why” can feel like interrogation rather than inquiry.

The brain moves into fight-or-flight mode, and the conversation shifts from collaboration to

explanation.

Instead of thinking creatively or solving problems, the other person is now focused on protecting themselves.

And that’s not where great work happens.

The Simple Language Shift That Creates Better Conversations

Great leaders replace “why” with curiosity-based language.

Instead of asking:

“Why did you do it that way?”

Try saying:

“Can you walk me through your thinking?”
“Help me understand your approach.”
“What factors led to that decision?”

Notice the difference.

One version demands justification.

The other invites explanation.

This small shift creates psychological safety, and when people feel safe, they’re far more likely to share insights, ideas, and honest feedback.

The Reason “Should” Triggers Shame

The second word that quietly damages workplace communication is “should.”

“Should” often sounds like guidance, but it usually lands as judgment.

You’ve probably heard statements like:

“You should have looped me in.”
“We should be further along.”
“You shouldn’t feel that way.”

The hidden message behind “should” is:

You knew better.

You failed.

You didn’t measure up.

And shame shuts people down.

When someone feels judged, they’re less likely to take ownership, admit mistakes, or collaborate openly.

The Leadership Language That Works Better

Instead of focusing on the past, great leaders focus on moving forward. Here are simple shifts that transform the conversation.

Instead of saying: “You should have told me.”

Try:

“Next time, let’s align earlier.”
“In the future, I’d like to be looped in.”

Instead of: “We should be further along.”

Try:

“What’s getting in the way?”
“What support do you need?”
“What feels realistic from here?”

This moves the conversation away from blame and toward problem-solving.

The Hidden Leadership Skill: Adjusting How You Communicate

One objection people often have when they hear this advice is:

“Why should I change my communication style just because someone else is sensitive?”

Here’s the reality.

Great executives constantly adapt their communication style.

They adjust based on:

the audience
the stakes
the goal of the conversation

If your goal is to win the argument, keep using “why” and “should.” You’ll shut people down quickly. But if your goal is alignment, engagement, and leadership influence, language matters.

Small communication shifts can dramatically improve how people respond to you.

The Leadership Communication Playbook

Here’s a simple framework you can start using immediately.

Replace: “Why did you…?”With: “Help me understand…”

Replace: “You should have…”With: “Next time, let’s…”

Replace: “We should be…”With: “What’s realistic from here?”

That’s what strong leadership communication looks like.

Want the Full Communication Playbook?

On Cracking the Code as part of the Work Unscripted podcast, I go deeper into the communication patterns that shape leadership influence.

In the full episode, you’ll also hear:

Why executives unintentionally trigger defensiveness without realizing it
The neuroscience behind why certain questions activate fight-or-flight responses
The subtle communication shifts that increase leadership presence
A bonus language change that instantly increases accountability
How leaders unintentionally create shame cultures without meaning to