You Said "My Door Is Always Open." But Are You Actually Safe?

Let me tell you about the mom thing.

You know what I'm talking about. You go to your mom and tell her something your partner did. Something that hurt you, upset you, made you question things. She listens. She hears it. She nods and says all the right things. And then she files it somewhere deep in her brain, right between "first steps" and "wanting grandkids."

Six months later, you and your partner are completely fine. You worked through it. You moved on. But mom? Mom never forgot. Mom still side-eyes him at Thanksgiving. Mom still references it very delicately over summer vacation. She has formed an opinion, and that opinion has cemented.

One conversation. Permanent impression.

Now bring that same energy to your workplace because this is exactly what happens when leaders don't hold the space they claim to have created.

The Vulnerability It Takes to Walk Into That Conversation

Think about what it costs an employee to come to their leader with something real.

Not a status update. Not a project question. Something real. A struggle they're having. A conflict that's weighing on them. A question about their own growth they're privately wrestling with. Something about themselves they haven't fully figured out yet.

They work up the courage — and let me tell you, it takes courage — and they walk through that open door. They share. Their leader nods, says the right things, maybe even says "I appreciate you trusting me with this."

And then goes and tells someone else.

Not always maliciously. Not always deliberately. Sometimes it's framed as concern. Sometimes it's dropped casually into a conversation with another leader like a small grenade. They don't even hear it land.

But the employee does. Eventually. Sideways, secondhand, in a way that makes your stomach drop.

And by then, the damage is done.

It Happened to Me

I'm going to tell you something personal, because it's real and it matters and I think a lot of you are going to recognize yourselves in it.

A leader once said something about me. Again, it was about me, not to me. And it was said to another leader. Something along the lines of: "She's working on her brand."

Let that sit for a second.

My boss never said that to me. Not once. There was no conversation, no feedback, no "Hey, I've noticed something, let me share it with you." I found out the way these things always find you: sideways and secondhand, with that stomach-drop feeling.

When I asked my boss about it (okay, I scripted my thoughts to ensure I could remain calm and direct) their mouth fell open. They said they didn't mean it that way.

And here's the thing that doesn't go away: it doesn't matter what was meant.

What matters is what landed. What was interpreted. What another leader now carries as truth about me. What matters is that I was now in a position where, if I did have a brand issue, I had work to do. And if I didn't have a brand issue? Other people now believed I did.

There is no good door out of that room. I was set up to fail a narrative I never wrote.

That is what happens when leaders don't hold the safe space they created.

Psychological Safety Has Two Sides and Most Leaders Only Master One

"Psychological safety" has become one of those phrases that gets thrown around in leadership trainings like confetti, without much conversation about what it actually costs to build.

It is not a poster on the wall. It is not an open-door policy. It is not saying "I've got you" and then leaking the conversation two floors up.

Psychological safety has two sides.

Side one is creating the space. Inviting honest conversations. Making people feel heard. Not reacting defensively when someone comes to you with something hard. This is the half most leaders learn in workshops, practice reasonably well, and then check off the list.

Side two is holding the space. This is where it falls apart. Holding the space means what someone shares with you stays with you. It means you don't casually mention to a peer that someone is "figuring some stuff out." You don't reference it vaguely in a meeting. You don't let it color how you talk about that person to anyone who doesn't need to know. You don't drop it into a conversation with your own boss framed as "just keeping you in the loop."

What someone tells you behind a closed door is not yours to distribute. You are a steward of that information, not the owner of it. And stewards protect what they've been entrusted with.

If there is a legitimate performance concern that genuinely needs to involve another leader?

That conversation requires a framework. It needs to be intentional. And it should probably involve the employee knowing it's happening.

Gossip doesn't get to put on a blazer and call itself leadership.

The Question That Changes Everything

The question most leaders ask is: Does my team feel comfortable coming to me?

That's not the right question.

The right question is: Am I actually safe?

Not "do you seem approachable?" Not "do you have good intentions?" Those things matter, but they are not the same as safety.

Safety is built in what you do with what you're given. It's built in every conversation that stays private that should stay private. It's built in the choice you make, every single time, to be a steward of someone else's story rather than the person who passes it along.

Your employees are trusting you with their reputation. With their growth. With the parts of themselves they haven't fully figured out yet. And you get the honor of protecting that.

That is not a small thing. That is everything in their world.

So how do you hold a safe space for your employees and provide updates to your leadership? 

Tune into Work Unscripted where I discuss:

• What safe space means for your team and especially one group of employees where broken trust hits deeper, harder, and with consequences that can unravel months of work they've done just to feel safe enough to show up.

• How to ensure you are not just creating the safe space, you’re holding the safe space.

• What happens when you don’t hold a safe space. 

If you lead people, this episode is not optional. You’re welcome. 

Tune in to Work Unscripted: Where Is the Safe Space? What Leaders Get Wrong About Psychological Safety wherever you listen to podcasts.