Performance Reviews, Part 1: When Feedback Feels Like Judgment

This is probably the most vulnerable blog I’ve ever written. 

Let me set the stage.

It was 2022. I actually had an incredible year. I received a 6% raise, which was unheard of at the time, and an exceptionally large equity grant – more than the standard for my level. I killed it that year. But the words that came with the numbers? 

They landed differently. 

They stung. 

They hurt…deeply.

And this is exactly why leaders need to rethink how they deliver feedback whether it’s in a one-on-one or a performance review… especially a performance review.

In my review, my manager gave a lot of positive feedback about the impact I had. She praised my work in creating a “change management framework” and how I guided the company through one of the largest organizational shifts in its history. She noted my ability to “continue to drive team effectiveness” and said my direct reports felt my support and dedication. That should have felt incredible.

But then came the “watchouts,” as she describes them, where she wrote phrases like:

• “Over-committing. You want to be a part of more than you can handle and be excellent at everything. Clients love it but with our growth, this will be impossible, and you WILL burn out.”

• “Over-driving. This continues to be an Achilles’ heel of yours. You will uber-control a project, situation, conversation…”

• “Over-reacting. The nuance here is related to the ‘sense of urgency’ or ‘frantic-ness’ that is received as distracting.

And the one that gutted me: 

• “You do not want the ‘Marlo show’ to occur.”

Imagine giving your heart, your creativity, your intensity, your brilliance to an organization, only to be told that the very qualities that fueled your success and made great impacts to the growth of teams and individuals were liabilities. And not just liabilities, but dressed in language that feels personal, even mocking in the “cuteness” of the “over” this and “over” that. I can tell you when I read it, I was “over” it. 

For someone like me, who processes feedback deeply and personally, that doesn’t land as constructive. It lands as shame. Why? 

Because here’s the thing – late in life, I was diagnosed as neurodivergent – I always knew I was sensitive – I mean my favorite phrase was “I cry watching The Bachelor when they get engaged!”  But I also learned I was neurodivergent. You’d never know it by talking to me because I have been unknowingly masking my entire life, but clearly not well enough: 

When you are a Highly Sensitive Person, your nervous system is wired to take in more information such as  emotional cues, tone, nuance. When you’re also ADHD, you already know you bring intensity, creativity, and urgency to your work. You don’t view one project as more of a priority than another. EVERYTHING feels urgent unless someone defines priorities. That’s brain wiring, NOT a behavior.

And when you’re high-functioning autistic, you may not always communicate or process in ways that match the dominant workplace style, definitely not the way neurotypical employees do.

So, when feedback comes in the form of judgment instead of behavior, it doesn’t just hurt. 

It destabilizes. 

It makes you shrink.

It makes you hide.

Hearing “over-driving” didn’t tell me what to do differently; it told me who I am is wrong. Hearing “the Marlo show” didn’t guide me; it caricatured me. 

So, I feel compelled to provide tips for leaders during this critical time as you evaluate employees – and tips for employees who may have leaders who haven’t read this blog or haven’t listened to my podcast.

Performance Review Tips for Leaders

These tips are for every leader who will be delivering a performance review, whether or not you have a neurodivergent employee on your team. Hopefully, these tips will make you think long and hard about how to present a performance review to each member of your team. 

1.  Separate behavior from identity. Instead of saying “over-driving,” or passing judgment on the person, say: “In this project, your sense of urgency, which showed up in X ways (and describe those ways in detail)  sometimes created stress for the team. What could it look like to build in pause points?” That’s actionable. This would have been a suggested solution for the future to change specific behavior(s) as listed, that perhaps I didn’t know I was doing and most certainly didn’t intend to have a negative impact. 

2.  Acknowledge strengths before reframing. For example: “Your drive is extraordinary. It’s part of why you delivered results beyond expectations. One area of growth is learning when to shift from sprint mode to marathon mode.” That’s what to write in an employee performance review if you want someone to feel seen and not shamed. They will not gloss over the positive feedback and go right to the negative. An employee will be able to take it in and realize that a shift needs to happen during the work process.

3.  Be curious instead of judgmental. Instead of saying “you don’t want the Marlo show to occur,” ask: “I’ve noticed you often take the lead in high-stakes situations. I’m curious to explore how that feels to you. And how do you think others experience it?” That’s how to open up a conversation and to make a performance review feel good for your team members. That shows curiosity, not labels or mocking someone when that was never my intent – to own the show…or even be a part of any show. And if this was the case, then it should have been discussed in person long before being written in a performance review.

4. Recognize neurodiversity. You may not know whether someone is neurodiverse on your team. But you can assume that not everyone processes the same way. Some employees bring intensity, hyperfocus, urgency. Some employees wait until the last minute to complete an assignment because they do their best work  under pressure. Instead of pathologizing it or judging it when it doesn’t match how you work,  leaders must learn how to discuss performance reviews with employees in ways that honor difference.

For example - In my review, my boss wrote: “Over-committing. You want to be a part of more than you can handle and be excellent at everything. Clients love it but with our growth, this will be impossible, and you WILL burn out.”

Now, that’s one interpretation. From my perspective, though, what was happening is this: I bring intensity and urgency to everything because my brain doesn’t naturally rank priorities. Everything feels important. That’s the brain wiring I have. That’s how ADHD shows up for me. It doesn’t mean I couldn’t deliver. In fact, I did deliver. The salary increase, higher-than-standard bonus and stock grant proved that, on top of the heaping of praise at the beginning of the review. 

But here’s the leadership moment: Instead of labeling me as “over-committing,” a better way would have been to say, “I see that you want to contribute everywhere. That’s a strength and you are smart and absolutely can bring value in so many areas. Let’s talk about how to prioritize so you don’t burn out.”  Feeling seen? YES! And ready to discuss! 

Compare that to someone else on the team who waits until the last minute because they thrive under pressure. Both styles can produce great work. Neither is wrong. They’re simply different. And that’s why leaders have to learn how to discuss performance reviews with employees in ways that honor those differences.

Performance Review Tips for Employees

Sometimes, as employees, we do receive reviews that feel harsh, feel punishing, or simply trigger us. So, what do we do?

1. Pause before reacting. My brain internalizes immediately. But one of the best performance review tips for employees is to pause, separate the words from your worth. 

2.  Translate judgment into data. On the overcommitting statement, I reframed it: She’s saying I need to prioritize better and learn to say no. If I’m aware that my brain wiring doesn’t allow me to prioritize then I need to use my 1:1 to ask my boss to help me with that so I can take care of myself because taking care of myself means I can do my best work. That’s how to respond to a bad performance review without spiraling.

3. Ask clarifying questions. Instead of assuming the worst, I could have asked my boss: “Can you give me a specific example? What would success look like instead?” That’s how to discuss performance review with your manager in a way that ignores the judgment and turns it into learning.

4. Hold both truths. I was a top performer. All the praise at the beginning of the review proved that. My compensation rewards validated it further. Yet, I still had growth areas. So, what to do after a bad performance review? Or one that isn’t bad but triggers you and doesn’t feel like it represents you as you see yourself? Hold the truth of your success alongside your areas for growth.

Unfortunately, most reviews aren’t written for neurodiverse, highly sensitive, or unconventional leaders. They’re written through the lens of conformity of what “good” looks like to the majority.

But the future of work requires difference. It requires intensity, creativity, urgency, vision, even constructive conflict at times. If leaders can’t learn how to prepare for a performance review that honors difference, they’ll lose their best people. 

Closing

So, to my former boss I say,  “Thank you for the raise, the stock grant, the recognition of my results. But also, thank you for teaching me through this experience what not to do in a performance review,” should I ever have to give one to an employee again.

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And there’s more! To learn how to give effective performance reviews with more tips for leaders and employees, click here. Feel free to leave a comment or rating. I’d love to hear from you!